Brrrrrr

Brrrrr.... the coldest day of my life to this point. I knew this day was coming.... the last time I would see her. I truly dreaded this day.

With only ten minutes notice... def con 5... preparing missiles for launch.... the end is near.

Good thing I was prepared.... with a carefully thought out note kept in my pocket for just such an emergency. I'd thought about how this moment would go for months. And given how things have gone between us in the past couple of years... I was prepared for the worst. And that is exactly what I got.

I waited for her outside the door. Not many words were spoken and she did not look at me. It was obvious she had no interest in saying goodbye to me. I handed her the note... which was apologetic, poetic, sweet and loving. She said "take care" and walked away. That was it. Not sure she even read the note. Bad ending. But at least it is an ending. Finally.

I don't think I will ever truly understand what happened between us. In a months time we went from making plans to barely speaking. I understood why we couldn't be together but I didn't understand being treated differently by someone who Loved me so much. Too painful to look at me, talk to me, be around me? Or she just didn't love me anymore. I don't know..... and hopefully now that it is over, at some point I won't care anymore.

Goin Nowhere

Haven't had a whole lot to say lately, except for what seems like the same thing over and over. So thought I would share a song that I just wrote and recorded. I consider myself more of a songwriter than a singer so you will have to excuse the performance:)

What do you do

What do you say

When the words miss you

just aren't enough

Where do you go

to find what you're looking for

When you know it doesn't exist......

I'm goin nowhere

I'm stayin right here

I'm hangin my head

To hide from the fear

Of bein alone

Of bein without you

It isn't by choice

it's just what I do

I'm goin nowhere.....

What do you have

When you feel you've got nothing

And the one thing you wanted is lost

Where do you go

When you can't see in front of this

And your heart and head are stuck in the past....

I'm goin nowhere

I'm stayin right here

I'm hangin my head

To hide from the fear

Of bein alone

Of bein without you

It isn't my choice

It's just what I do

I'm goin nowhere

I just can't seem to get over it....

It all started when I was very young. Watching my my dad be just plain nice to everyone he came in contact with. Everyone has always instantly loved my "dad".... or as I've been told since I've gotten older, my twin brother from a different era. He always made sure my mom was happy no matter what, and I have always remembered and noticed that.

I have so many things I want to say... but it would take forever..

Somehow I knew when I was eight or so, what I wanted. Needed. I listened to songs and understood exactly why they were written, watched movies and wanted that perfect scene to happen to me. Life is not a song or movie or fairy tale... I know this, but if you find your other half... it can be pretty close. I waited so long for that to happen. Always conscious of everyone else's feelings along the way. I waited and waited and it found me. I had absolutely no doubt that I would never Love anyone else, and that THIS was the first time I had really been in Love.

Now it seems like she hates me cause I still Love her. I know she doesn't but it feels that way. It didn't end badly... it just had to end. The problem is that I was sure that it would never end. Everything I have believed in since I was young has turned out to be wrong. Being perfect, being the best thing ever and just plain Loving someone unconditionally, no matter what, isn't enough.

Since the end of my fairy tale, I have been paying alot more attention to other people and their relationships. No one is truly happy in the end. There is always something or someone else.

I really don't know where to go from here. I had what I wanted and nothing else could compare.

As the train pulled away from the station, we found our way to our seats. Sitting as close as possible. I spent most of the ride just holding her hand and whispering sweet things in her ear. Once and a while she would look out the window... I thought nothing of this at the time, I was too busy studying her beautiful face. Looking back, I should've seen it coming. The train was shaking from the moment we left the station. In that moment nothing mattered. We would hold on to each other and smile, no matter what the consequences. Suddenly she looked in my eyes, stood up and headed off down the isle. She starred right through me for a second before she hung her head and closed the door to the next car. The shaking was obvious now. The train left the tracks and rolled violently for what seemed like an eternity. When it finally came to rest I found myself trapped in a twisted bunch of wreckage. I can see her through the window in the door, but I cannot reach her, I am severely injured.

Please....

Please don't go away
I don't think I could handle it

I wouldn't last one day

It's so much more than I could take

Tell me it's real, tell me it's right

Tell me I won't be alone tonight

Tell me you care

Tell me you'll always be there....

Tell me it's real

What happened to the day

When I was your everything

How could that go away

I'm left here broken, and dismayed

Tell me I'm wrong, this doesn't feel right

I just can't be without you tonight

Tell me it's fine

Tell me you'll always be mine...

And tell me it's real

There may come a day

When these words you need to hear me say

And I won't hesitate

Cause I'll always feel this way

I'll tell you it's real

I'll tell you it's right

I'll tell you you won't be alone tonight

I'll tell you I care

Tell you I've always been there

I'll tell you it's real.

Some things stay broken.

.... my favorite wine glass lay shattered on the floor. I quickly picked up the pieces, trying to pretend that it didn't happen. But it did. I'm pretty good at fixing things, but it's no use. If I put it back together it won't be the same. It will always leak and I will surely be cut. I will carry the pieces around with me forever. I'll reach deep into my pocket and squeeze the pieces until my hand bleeds. And remember how I loved touching my lips to that beautiful glass. I don't know if I will ever find another one. For now I have stopped drinking wine all together. I still Love that perfect wine glass deeply.... but it will always be broken.

St. Valentines day..... I have mixed emotions about this holiday. Is it a celebration of Love or a reason for people to do and say things that they usually don't. I'm thinking the latter describes what most people use this holiday for. HAVE TO go get the significant other flowers or some piece of jewelry. I suppose it is a good way to make sure the people you care about in life, know you care about them. But then again if they don't already know.... you're doing something wrong the rest of the time. This may be my one sided, possibly unattainable fairy tale view on how things should be. Every day is Valentines day.... without an ounce of wonder as to how the other person feels or what they think. Truly and simply needing someone, and knowing they need you. Doing things that suck to make the others life easier..... with a smile and no complaints because it makes them happy. Selfless acts of kindness and Love without any forethought. Giving all of your heart, soul and mind to someone with no closed doors.

I think there are a lot of people out there that don't really know what Love is. And they never will... they don't have it in them. They are more worried about themselves than others. And I think that Valentines day has turned into a way for stores to get these people to do something "nice" once a year.

I have most definitely been shot by cupids arrow before..... and in the end it damn near killed me. Do they make arrow proof vests? Think I'll check into that.

Happy St. Valentines day to all the people who will act the same the rest of the year.

Empty Tank

Navigating my way through life today, that feeling began to creep in. That empty feeling. It was of course, something she said that caused this. She didn't mean to I'm sure. She has forgotten how seriously I take things and how well I listen. And then examine every word to find some true meaning or emotion behind it. It's hard for me to believe she meant what she said.... That would go against everything she thought, believed, and felt before. All I've needed, is to believe that if things were different, we would have been perfectly happy forever... She took that away from me today..... whether she meant to or not.... and left me empty.

The Fall

If I fall any further, I might hit the bottom.

If I fall any harder, I might not get back up.

Broken bruised and lonely, barely beating at all.

I'd hoped your words word save me, and cushion my fall.

But all I hear is silence, and I can't see your eyes.

Good thoughts are hard to come by when there aren't any smiles.

Once upon a time, I flew so high.

Never thought I'd be brought down, what an ugly surprise.

Heading for the ground now, it isn't far.

I hope I land on my back, so I can still see the stars.

Cause all I hear is silence, and I can't see your eyes.

Good thoughts are hard to come by, when there arn't any smiles.

Laying here and thinking... remember when.

All this makes me wonder, if I'll ever fly again.

Cause all I here is silence, and I can't see your eyes.

Good thoughts are hard to come by, when there aren't any smiles.

Middle of the story......

......... it had become my favorite place. I must go back, this time for good. So I packed up my things and headed down the path. To the place I had only visited before, but would now be my new home. I payed no attention to how I got there.... no need since I had no intention of coming back. The warm and fuzzy land of the butterflies...... just as I remembered it. Everything is more intense there. The sun is a little brighter, the flowers smell a little sweeter and the grass seems a little greener. Not a care in the world but my butterflies and thoughts. This is where I belong, here in this magical place.

One day a great storm came. The thunder was deafening and the lightening tore through the sky. A massive gust of wind swept all the butterflies away. The flowers wilted, the grass turned to brown and the sun is nowhere to be found. It is a cold and dark place now, not the beautiful butterfly land of before. I hope the butterflies can find their way back to

their home.... my home.... because I can not leave....

I don't know where I am.

The smiles are different these days. Not the uncontrollable ones that made me shake my head and lose my breath. That look in her eyes is gone. That look.... the one that makes everything and everyone disappear. She would light up every time she saw me. I've never felt so important to someone..... it was so obvious. She talks to me like I'm just like everyone else. So strange because we know absolutely everything about each other. Now we speak like strangers. "sure is nice out" or "see ya, have a good one". Have a good one?!!!! WTF is that? I pretty much just don't have a fucking clue. How do you talk to someone you know like no other and pretend that you don't. She has to still be in there somewhere. If something that felt that perfect to both of us could just fade away, then I don't know what to believe in anymore. True Love is the one thing that I have always held on to..... and if that has turned out to be bullshit.... then I think I will lose my grip. I could type about this until my fingers bleed.... but honestly it's all I think about and this isn't helping. So in closing.... what do you have when the most important thing in your life is gone?............ sure feels like nothing. I think some drinks are in order.

I would give anything to meet you in front of the fireplace tonight, hold you and give you the present I've been holding on to for you. It's not shiny or fancy, and didn't cost a lot of money. But, I think it's rare. Not something a lot of people are given by another person. I really need to give it to you. It's too wonderful and perfect to keep to myself.

I don't know if I can properly describe it to you with words, but I will try.

All of my attention... to every word, every breath, every move, and every want of yours. Every beat of my heart, every thought in my head and every whisper in the dark. Every look and smile that mean that nothing else matters. All of my admiration, adoration, and respect always. My hand to hold on to, and my shoulder to cry on until there are no more days.

Simply put.... All of me.....All of my Love..... I give to you.

THE MAN GENE...

I understand every form of the modern man... the player, the cheater, the asshole, the brawler, the guys we all know. All of that is in me somewhere... it's in the man gene. I have so far successfully suppressed that gene for the most part. Sometimes it's easier than others.

I always think of the aftermath of my actions... of others feelings... and my own... how I will feel about someone tomorrow.

Tonight for instance. I went o a bar to meet some friends and they were really late (I was really early). So this girl came over and sat next to me. My first thought was HMMMM... Pretty hot! (Man gene) We ended up talking for a while and she decided to confess (HA) that she thought I was hot.

The problem is that I know within the first 5 minutes of talking with someone whether there is a future in it. That is against the man code, I know! You mount the woman! HA!

I found myself looking at her knowing that it would go nowhere.... but wanting to hold on to her in the dark... smell her hair..feel her warmth. But I couldn't, because it wouldn't be real, wouldn't be fair to her....fair to who I am.

She could be here right now....and that would be nice...it would feel good. It may even feel right for a few hours. In the end I am who I am...I would rather be lonely tonight than potentially hurt someones feelings tomorrow.

Life would be so much easier if I let the man gene take over. I have the nice guy gene as well... and so far nice guys end up lonely.

I've been thinking alot lately about how others see me. Mostly people I work with, but also some of my close friends. It's starting to become a little annoying to me that they all think they know me so well. In reality they don't at all. Because they have never taken the time ask ANYTHING. I'm finding that a conversation with most people is just a way for them to get to talk about themselves. I am a good listener, ask follow up questions to seem interested, and compliment as needed. Not that I'm insincere... I know what people want to hear and most people just keep that stuff to themselves. I always notice when someone gets their hair done or is wearing something new. I guess I like making people feel good about themselves. It's funny how many people are not used to that. Well sad really. So many people are starving for someone to listen to them, notice them and care about what's going on with them. It's hard to have a real conversation with most people. I tend to be a bit deep, philosophical, and serious when it comes to emotions. I think that turns alot of people off. Everyone tries so hard to be rock solid. That bores the shit out of me.

Well that was a bit of a rant! Where was I going with this..... Ah... So I was at a party a while back and my friends wife was there. I've known this girl for probably ten years. She was always a bit shy and always nice. There was a guitar in the corner so I picked it up and sat on the couch. I don't usually play guitar or sing in front of others, but I was a little drunk so what the fudge. I played a couple of songs that I wrote (sappy love songs of course) and when I was done I looked over and she was crying! I asked her what was wrong and she said she had no idea that I was "like that". She said she had always been intimidated by me. She thought I was the cool party guy with tattoos. Interesting that after all those years she didn't really know me at all.

Casual offers for sex from people I "know" is interesting to me as well. I can count how many people I've been with on one hand. I could've been with 50. I've never been with someone that I didn't really like. So if they knew me they wouldn't even ask. Or keep asking. I guess most girls are not used to being turned down.

I just read this back and I kinda sound like a pretentious ass! Hmmm... maybe that's the problem! HAHA!