I've been thinking alot lately about how others see me. Mostly people I work with, but also some of my close friends. It's starting to become a little annoying to me that they all think they know me so well. In reality they don't at all. Because they have never taken the time ask ANYTHING. I'm finding that a conversation with most people is just a way for them to get to talk about themselves. I am a good listener, ask follow up questions to seem interested, and compliment as needed. Not that I'm insincere... I know what people want to hear and most people just keep that stuff to themselves. I always notice when someone gets their hair done or is wearing something new. I guess I like making people feel good about themselves. It's funny how many people are not used to that. Well sad really. So many people are starving for someone to listen to them, notice them and care about what's going on with them. It's hard to have a real conversation with most people. I tend to be a bit deep, philosophical, and serious when it comes to emotions. I think that turns alot of people off. Everyone tries so hard to be rock solid. That bores the shit out of me.

Well that was a bit of a rant! Where was I going with this..... Ah... So I was at a party a while back and my friends wife was there. I've known this girl for probably ten years. She was always a bit shy and always nice. There was a guitar in the corner so I picked it up and sat on the couch. I don't usually play guitar or sing in front of others, but I was a little drunk so what the fudge. I played a couple of songs that I wrote (sappy love songs of course) and when I was done I looked over and she was crying! I asked her what was wrong and she said she had no idea that I was "like that". She said she had always been intimidated by me. She thought I was the cool party guy with tattoos. Interesting that after all those years she didn't really know me at all.

Casual offers for sex from people I "know" is interesting to me as well. I can count how many people I've been with on one hand. I could've been with 50. I've never been with someone that I didn't really like. So if they knew me they wouldn't even ask. Or keep asking. I guess most girls are not used to being turned down.

I just read this back and I kinda sound like a pretentious ass! Hmmm... maybe that's the problem! HAHA!

I was walking around in my head today, and I ran into her.

Just the way I remember, beautiful and perfect.

We had a long embrace, it's been so long.

We talked about everything, and giggled about nothing.

There's no better feeling than knowing that someone is really listening.

I didn't want to leave there... didn't want to let go of her hand.

She is only like that in my memories now.

The real her has become someone else.

I was thinking of you as I skipped a rock today.

It didn't go anywhere, just stuck in the mud.

Rocks don't skip in an empty pond.

You would think as much as it's been raining on me that my pond would be full.

Where does the water go?

I would give anything for one last skip.

The rain is what's keeping it empty.

I wish the sun would come out and make things beautiful again.

The sun would fill it up for me.

Then I could skip a rock across the pond with a smile on my face.

What was that?.... I thought I heard something.

Sounded like my voice.... sounded like something I would say to you.

Did I say that out loud.... sounded like something I think about always but am not supposed to say anymore..... even when I am alone.

There it was again... I miss the way my voice sounds when I say those words.

I don't even know I'm doing it anymore.

It's an uncontrollable reaction to everything my heart and mind know to be true.

I can't stop it.... no one can stop it.... and for now at least... I don't want to.

I can feel it coming again.... I must let it out..... I don't care who hears me.....

I Love You.... I Just Love You....

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Well, that's the Desiderata. It was written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann.

I must have read that a thousand times growing up. There was a huge print of it hanging in my parents living room. I think it sums up the thoughts most people have about their lives at one time or another. Reading it just now makes me think about the God part and what that means to me... I went to catholic school and went to church every week for years and years. At the time I hated it and it just felt like a ritual thing that I was almost forced to do. Now I am really glad that I went... I think it made me a better person. I don't follow any organized religion now...I have my own. It's called try not to be an asshole! haha! I think that may actually be the basis for most religions. Everyone is worth my time, everyone deserves a hello and a smile, and hold the door open for someone whenever possible. Everyone is different and I am not better than anyone. Sacrificing myself for the benefit of others is what I do... and if it makes them happy, then it isn't really a sacrifice at all... it's the right thing to do. Making others happy is what makes me happy.

The Try Not To Be An Asshole church is now open......I encourage everyone to join! :)

Pics are from digitalblasphemy.com.... something I just ran into...beautiful!!

Been hiding on the dark side of the moon lately....
Hiding from the sun....
Nursing my burns from the last time I showed myself to her....
I peer around the edge, knowing that I will be blinded by her beautiful bright light...
It's still worth the pain just to catch a glimpse.
While hiding in this dark cold place, I am begining to realize.....
that at some point I must step into the light and turn the other way....
The warmth on my back and my shadow in front of me will let me know....
That my beautiful bright sun will always follow me, but unless I turn around...
I will never be burned again